So, we are inching up to, or racing towards, the anniversary of the accident. It often seems like each day is worse than the one before. Especially in the past couple of weeks.

Maybe I’m over thinking things…which I have been accused of repeatedly…but, damn it, no matter how much or little I think about it, I am left with one truth: Sunny is gone from this planet forever, gone, never to go to college, never to stumble again laughing through my front door, never to marry and have a family, never to hug her mom or dad again and say “I love you”. I just don’t know how to live with that. I just don’t know how to make any of that okay. Ever. And it breaks my heart.

I am trying to get better, trying to live…which I know is what Sunny would want me to do. We laugh at some of our memories, and cry over what we miss and are missing. Starr and Skye have gotten proactive and have started a charitable foundation to benefit children’s charities. Those girls are an inspiration!

Starr often tells me funny stories about the things that they did together, as do their friends: Sunny’s boyfriend told me once about how Sunny, Starr, and the boys were out driving around and Sunny had to pee…bad. She was nearly desperate when they found a McDonalds and used the facilities. Relieved, Sunny excitedly announced to everyone within earshot how grateful she was that McDonalds could help her with her “pee-ness”! Oh, dear…how we miss you!!

“Hold On, Hold On” – Neko Case

“Moon River” – Audrey Hepburn, a clip from Breakfast at Tiffany’s

This clip came across my path a couple of weeks ago. This one of Starr’s favorite movies. She even dressed as Holly Golightly for Halloween several years ago. If I can find a picture, I will add it to this post.*

My photographs are so disorganized, both the printed ones and the digital ones. The idea of organizing seems so overwhelming. Once in a while I will get the urge to do something about it, but looking at the mess…I quickly get over it.

*Starr has informed me that I am not allowed to post her Holly Golightly costume pictures on the internet. Ever.

“Cobrastyle” Feat. Mad Cobra – Teddybears I have had this song in my playlist for over two years. Great for driving with the windows down, wind in your hair. Teddybears MySpace.

“Sunshine” – Atmosphere This one is new to me, Atmosphere is a Minneapolis based duo. “Sunshine, sunshine is fine. I feel it in my skin, warmin’ up my mind. Sometimes you’ve got to give in to win. I love the days when it shines. Whoa let it shine.” Gotta like that! Atmosphere MySpace.

“Street Soldier” Deep Thoughts Mashup – Rench Strange. This mashup made me do a double take…seriously. I laughed, shook my head, turned it off and moved on to something else. But then, I came back, and listened again…I don’t know what it is, but it makes me smile. Gangstagrass is a mashup album produced by Rench and is offered for free download here. From the Rench website:

a full-length mashup of Underground hip-hop vocals with Rench beats and straight up bluegrass samples. It features some of the really talented emcees I have recorded at Rench Audio, including Infinitee, TONE, and Deep Thoughts/Kaz-Mir from Black Market. It also features tons of uncleared samples from early bluegrass, folk ballads, and blues, and more current bluegrass stuff as well – Thats why its all there for free download.

“Nattoppet” – Detektivbyran My first thought is that this song should accompany some Pixar animation, or be on a television commercial. Now that I’ve said that, I wonder if it isn’t already? Google search…yes! Apparently this song was featured in a Sprint commercial. Detektivbyran MySpace.

I had a visitor this evening…I took these pictures through my dirty kitchen window and screen. It was also dusk…this is my excuse for crappy pictures and I’m sticking to it! The little guy lazed around on the birdbath for about 15 minutes, he then nosed around on my deck for a bit before wandering off.

But then I saw this:

Brought me to tears…literally. All I have to say is…I WANT ONE!! Really. And thanks, I needed that.

Thanks to Dooce for the heads up! She allowed comments for this post and some are just great!

I took these pictures the summer of 1999 when Starr and I were in Tennessee visiting. Granddaddy was 91 years old at the time. No longer actively farming, he did hop to the rescue when the gentleman who rented the pasture’s vehicle was stuck and needed to be pulled/towed to a more solid location.

Granddaddy knew what needed to be done, and did it. I love that top picture…that smile! I think he was happy that I was there…no, I think he was happy to have an excuse to get on and use the tractor. And the bottom one? At 91 years old, crawling under the tractor to make an adjustment?? Awesome.

Mallards Reflecting, originally uploaded by kanjigirl.

Starr and I took a nice walk Wednesday afternoon. It was a beautiful day, Starr was full of information, ideas and gossip. It was fun.

I posted this song last month, but it seemed to fit the day…well, mostly:

“Walk in the Park” – Oh No! Oh My!

Yesterday we found out that Starr’s paternal grandpa has bone cancer. We don’t know enough to make any guesses about what comes next, what we do know at this point is that he is sick. Quite sick.

Grandpa Bill is an imposing man, a big tall retired cop with a quiet but deep hearty voice. Despite his slightly intimidating physical presence, he is a caring and loving man. When he smiles at me, I feel that he is smiling from his heart.

It is hard to imagine him letting something like cancer get the upper hand. As if he could just give it a good stare down and cancer would cower and run. If only.

To borrow a phrase from a friend who knows all too painfully the truth in these words….Cancer Sucks!

I don’t remember how I found Bossy, but I am glad I did, because shortly after discovering her she posted the following video featuring “Snowman” by XTC. I didn’t know Dooce…I do now…but Bossy quickly became a must read:

And then, I find that we have John Cusack in common:

Last fall, our community, Sunny’s family, and the girl’s high school, planted a tree in memory of Sunny. There was a Tree Planting Ceremony, where her those that loved her gathered. There were lovely, tearful speeches. The high school choir, of which Sunny and Starr were both a part, sang beautifully. It was the ultimate fall day, the temperature was perfect, the sun was shining brightly, there was a slight breeze…the only thing wrong with the day was the very reason we were there. It was an emotionally charged day, many tears were shed.

The tree had leaves when planted, but they soon turned and fell off…as leaves tend to do in the fall. I am both blessed and saddened that this tree is planted where I can see it regularly. I drive by this spot at least ten times a week. I never pass without looking at it, I never pass without thinking of Sunny…which is a misrepresentation, because she is with me at all times, when I brush my teeth, when I do the dishes…well, you get the idea. I look at the tree and reflect on our past year, and can truthfully say that it sucked.

When I passed the tree yesterday, I noticed that there was budding activity. Today it was filled with little blossoms. I tried to make those little flowers into more than they were, but I was unable to pull hope from them. It is Spring…this is the way it works. I am glad that the tiny tree survived it’s first official winter, and is showing healthy signs of life, but as a sign of hope…it failed.

Time keeps moving forward, or we keep marching through it. Winter passes, Spring arrives whether we want it to or not. In less than two weeks we will experience the first anniversary of that terrible night. My thoughts and love are with Sunny’s parents and sister *always*, as well as with Starr as we all continue to deal in the only way we know how. Right or wrong.

We miss you…so very much.