Do I Blame Her?
As much as I have tried not to, do I carry resentment and anger towards Starr? Do I show it? Do I hold her responsible for the mess we are in? The last thing that I want is to add to her burden, but…there are many things that we are dealing with as a result of the accident. Sunny’s death. Sunny’s family’s pain. Starr’s medical bills. The boatload of community service that the judge ordered. The legal mess hanging over us.
She wasn’t doing anything wrong. The girls were buckled up, they were sober (as always), they weren’t messing around, they were just going for a drive. A drive that ended tragically.
Every day, in addition to our constant roller coaster of emotional pain, we are facing a challenge in one way or another. It’s money, or the extreme lack thereof, it’s time and how to fit work, school, therapy, charitable foundation start-up and community service into our lives. It is overwhelming.
So, do I resent her? Do I cause her more stress than she already has? I am having difficulty, because maybe there are true moments that I do. If she hadn’t pressed the gas pedal, if she had taken just another moment to look one more time….Sunny would still be here and we would be worrying about mundane things, boyfriends, roommate fights and what brand of jeans look best.
I don’t know. I don’t know how all of this can’t go back to that moment once in a while, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
What I do know is that I love her more than ever, more than I ever thought I could, she has shown incredible and inspiring strength and character, despite the rough times. She is able to keep a smile on for the public, but isn’t afraid to breakdown in the safety of my presence. But, am I safe enough? Or will my moments of doubt and frustration cause her to lose faith in me? In herself?
This took my breath. So unbelievably awful. I can’t imagine how you’ve all dealt with this, especially Starr.
I’m sorry. And I must not have been reading your blog back then because there is no way I would forget this.
Jason. Each and every time I try to reply to your comment I end up crying and erasing whatever response I started…so, this time, despite the tears, I want to finish.
It isn’t really that hard…THANK YOU!!
Thank you.