I am in a deep grunty funk today. Tears upon tears. As I was trying to find the will to get up and live today, I saw a story on Today. About World Bicycle Relief.
World Bicycle Relief
I think I sunk further into my funk, as I thought it was a great program, but I feel so helpless. I can’t help them, I can’t help myself.
Starr called and wants to spend some time with me, so we are going to lunch. Maybe I should pack a picnic or something and we can go to the park for a while. Soak in some sunshine and vitamin D. Maybe that will help lift me up.
Here is something that you can do: costs nothing, provides something.
Shaky hands, shot through the screen door, and you can hear that it’s garbage day. I don’t own a video camera, this is my regular camera…you can hear it trying to focus too. Oh well.
I hope that the stuffing provides a comfortable warm nest. I’ve decided that I will let him continue to take from the cushion as long as he wants to…it is ruined already.
This is the post that I was planning on putting together earlier today…before life and emotions got in the way.
It has been many years…thirteen or so? (that doesn’t seem possible!) since DJT and I last talked. Many things have changed in our lives since then, many things remain the same. One big change for us…our little girls, who were the same age, have both had time to grow up into beautiful young women.
It has been a blessing to be able to reestablish a connection recently.
Sadly, it was tragic events in both of our daughters’ lives last year that ultimately brought us together again. It is a good thing, born of tragedy.
There are some people in your life that you should always remain connected to and DJT is one of mine. I have missed having his friendship. In the aftermath of our life altering events, it has been helpful to me to have someone that I trust so completely in my circle.
DJT told me the other day that he was looking through his old pictures…sorting, and reliving some memories. He said that he hadn’t found any from our time together. So I went through my photo files too and unfortunately, I don’t seem to have many either. I think I was as allergic to having my picture taken then as I am now. For some reason, I have very few pictures of the girls together…why? I am an idiot, that’s why!
Here are a couple that may bring back some memories:
DJT and Starr, 1991
Starr having a moment…so sweet.
I could be wrong, but I have it in my head that DJT took this picture while I was using the facilities…she missed me!
DJT and the girls at a fall festival, 1992
It was a good day!
I do have video of the girls and I am actively working on getting it transferred to DVD for you! Soon!
Midnight phone calls and desperate tears. She needed to be home again, so she came home. Sitting on the sofa, talking, crying, comforting. Both of us, crying together.
Helpless.
I feel so powerless, to support Starr, to help myself, to heal relationships.
In a couple weeks, the 5k will be a thing of the past…until next year. Hopefully, it will have been successful, and many lessons will be learned so that planning next years event will be less stressful. After the 5k we will have time to reassess. Do we need to make a change at school? With living arrangements? With work? Is counseling something to reconsider?
She has visited a couple counselors in the past 18 months. The first “released” her from counseling a year ago saying that Starr was “just fine”…..just fine my ass!!! She started seeing the second one this past summer. He said that she seemed to be managing the situation better than expected, that she had a handle on her grief and that she could keep coming or not. She chose to keep going for a while…but then became overwhelmed with life and stopped making appointments. I hope that after the 5k, she will go back to him, at least for a little while.
She has it right, she is bright and she sees the truth: Starr has two choices, she can live and move forward, or she can quit. She is not going to quit…she chooses moving forward.
Ok, so not a roof. In reality, I don’t know what it is…but it is rusted.
Rusty wall hanging, above the desk in my dining room.
I was looking for something to hang on this wall. With little money to spend, I thought my choices were Target or Bed Bath and Beyond…I looked, what I found was both generic and expensive. It took me just a few minutes to realize what I already knew…that I should be looking at something used, something unique.
After coming to my senses, I immediately drove to the local antiques market/row and found this. Do you know what it is? What ever it is, I like it…and it fits me and my home
It is hard to see, but I used three different kinds of clear glass…I was using leftovers…and I like the way they look together. Starr is very happy. She is excited to have her own place and start decorating.
In the long run, I think that it was a solid choice for a Christmas gift…although late…she will always have this to remember me. Any other store bought gift, while appreciated, would never have that connection.
The accident occurred on a highway just out of town. I have avoided driving by the area, and couldn’t…still can’t…go visit on purpose. This highway is not one that I need to use on a regular basis, however, in order to go on the Mom’s Cabin Retreat, there was no way to avoid it.
I considered not going on the retreat, just so that I wouldn’t be forced to pass that tragic area. I am glad that I didn’t back out, the weekend was a blessing. Julie drove, and the other women in the vehicle were unconnected to the details of my issues…I kept it to myself and shed quiet tears as we passed that intersection. That place where Sunny’s life was cut so short, and so immediately.
Breathing deep.
I know, in my head, that it is just an intersection, that this place in the world holds no magic, no power…my heart says differently.
My brother was in town this past weekend. Before he arrived, I considered some of the options for sightseeing, and began mentally crossing off any destination that would take us along that road. In the end I suggested a destination that would require driving past the accident site…I can’t avoid it forever. Another deep breath, another tear.
I still can’t go, stop, walk around. I am not that strong. Do I need to? Is it important? I don’t know.
Name? Kelly. Mysterious? Not really. Passionate? Yes. Lazy? Sometimes. Outgoing? Not a bit. Trusting? Mmhmm. Artistic? On good days. Crazy? Could be. Trustworthy? Absolutely. Graceful? I wish. Sarcastic? Often. Deserving? You bet. Forgiving? Yes. Religious? No. Spiritual? Yes. Uncertain? At times. Confused? Sure. Distracted? Daily. Silly? Yeah. Talkative? Not. Punctual? To a fault. Breakable? Quite.
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