I walked out of Benjamin Button late last night sobbing. It wasn’t the movie itself, but things in it that triggered me. I was grieving, again. Sunny’s loss, her family facing another painful year without her, our sorrow. I was missing her again fresh and raw.
It was probably a combination of the holidays, hormones, triggers in the movie and the fact that Sunny was already on my mind as I was considering the passing of time as we move into a new year. I can’t fix this. No matter how much I wish and pray, or how much I cry, this situation is not fixable. I feel so helpless.
You can be as mad as a dog at the ways things went, you can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.
–Tugboat captain Mike, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions as a rule. Setting myself up for failure is something that I try to avoid. I believe that life is about learning and growing, fixing, changing, laughing, and loving…all the time. I try to make it a constant effort and avoid tying it to a specific day.
However, this year, today…not tomorrow…I am going to make a more consious effort to allow myself to breathe, to live, to accept that I can’t fix this. To stop taking on everyone’s pain as my own. I have enough. It serves no purpose, it really doesn’t relieve them of any of their grief or suffering, it only adds to mine.
And to smile more and mean it!
Starr and Sunny being silly during their mission trip, summer of 2005
In no particular order here are a few of my favorite songs from 2008: Remember that I am no critic, I don’t get to post all the music that I like, I like what I like, I move to what I move to, and moved by what I am moved by. I don’t claim expertise, I claim me. My memories. My experiences. My filters.
mp3: “I Lied” – Orillia Opry Orillia Opry-MySpace
It took a while for this song to catch me…but once it did, I couldn’t get rid of it. I woke up for weeks with this song on repeat in my head. Which might normally be a bad thing, but it wasn’t.
mp3: “How Everything Works” – Made in China Made in China–iTunes
Sometimes everything fits. A song, the lyrics, the mood. This is one of those times. I played this over and over again in recent months. I can’t find much about the artists, but I did find the album and song on iTunes.
mp3: “Year of the Dog” – The Lovely Sparrows Bury the Cynics
It had me at hello. Then it got better. I can’t explain why. It would go something like “here. And this. Listen here. Are those flutes? Oh, the hand claps.” All of which means nothing, but….I like it.
“Dropped” – Phantom Planet *I picked a different video for this song, but it disappeared. : (* Raise The Dead
I had this song on repeat for several weeks this summer. And as I quoted in my original post from Alan Williamson at Sixeyes:
“Dropped” is the kind of song that makes me want to jump up and down and yell and shout, maybe it even makes me feel young again (and it has made me jump up and down, just ask my neighbours), whatever it’s doing, and has done, it sure feels good and (added bonus) I don’t feel cheap and used afterwards.
For the last few days, I have longed to be home. It was wonderful visiting the family, I had lots of fun, ate lots of great food, played games, was entertained by my awesome nephew, Racer. My brother is always fun, and my folks were relaxed and comfortable to be around. But I was starting to miss normal. My bed, my kitchen, my personal bathroom, alone time, privacy, loud music, my television shows. You know…home!
We made it home late this afternoon. Tired and worn. Facing the messy house that we left last week. In addition to the unpacking, the laundry, all the cleaning that I knew we had to accomplish, I found an unexpected gift in the garage fridge. Nine frozen and exploded sugary sodas! Coke, Pepsi, Sprite…coating the remaining contents and all of the walls of the refrigerator! I’ve kept pop out there for 7 1/2 years for Starr’s friends to use, in all that time, we have never had anything like this happen.
Argh!
After cleaning to the limits of my patience, I too am coated with sticky coke!
Starr and I are visiting my parents today. We are having Christmas Eve tonight and Christmas tomorrow. My brother DJ and his favorite kiddo, Racer are on their way and will join us late this afternoon.
It isn’t always easy to get together on the holiday’s with ex’s, other families and distance to consider. In fact, Starr claims that this is the first time in seven years that we have been able to do it. So…we slide the day over a couple of days to accommodate? Who cares? It doesn’t matter to us!
Growing up, we often had to fit Christmas into dad’s work schedule. As an airline pilot he wasn’t always home at the right time, so instead of celebrating without him, we did it early or late so that the family could be together.
In the meantime, we cook and prep. We look forward to DJ and Racer arriving and spending time together. Take one last trip to the grocery store. Maybe play some cards. Have a glass of wine. Watch the weather, and pray that DJ and Racer stay safe on the road.
If you’ve followed this blog at all, you can probably guess that my wish for the holidays is love and comfort for Sunny’s family. They are in my heart and prayers every single day…hour.
Beyond that, I am going to borrow something from a holiday letter we received yesterday because it made me smile.
I hope this New Year brings only the VERY BEST for you and your family. Stay healthy! Enjoy the little things in your life; like a job, a roof over your head, food, family, the little ones that still say Look at Me Mom and Dad! Look At Me!
Starr and I were flipping channels last night and landed on Fiddler on the Roof immediately she smiles and says “awesome movie.” I was waiting for the connection to my dad, but it didn’t come immediately. She was involved in a game of Tetris on her computer…will she ever break out of level seven??
Maybe it was growing up in the seventies. Maybe it was just us, but I loved (loved!) this movie growing up. Over the years, my dad would often come up behind us…or just me?…DJ?…and grab my wrists and sing this song while yanking my arms in different directions….much like Tevye. I always enjoyed it, giggling and laughing during the assault. It was a rare free moment with my dad. Seeing the movie always takes me there and makes me smile. It takes Starr there too, because he has yanked her arms in a similar fashion….repeatedly.
She almost leapt off the sofa when she remembered it. Laughing and smiling. Loving the memory. Making me smile even bigger!
I went to a Winter Solstice party last night. It was women, wine, food, laughter and tears. A friend felt comfortable enough with me to share some of her painful secrets, which broke my heart and touched me deeply. I am grateful for her trust and friendship.
Coincidentally, another friend pointed me in the direction of this video last week:
Transcending: Words on Women and Strength by Kelly Corrigan
I was in an emotional place when I watched it the first time, as I often am these days. I was reminded of my old friends, my new friends, my mother and her group of friends that she has remained close to over the years. I was taken to the still raw pain of the accident, and the struggle that Starr’s grandmother is facing with her husbands cancer.
I am thankful for my friends and the support that they give and have given me. I hope that I can be comfort and support for them when they need it.
This is the Holiday card that Starr picked out for us to send out this year. She is proud of them! They are a designed by Caroline Gardner. The actual card is a dusky purple…scanned in as green for some reason.
I was looking through more of those old slides yesterday and found this:
It was 1982. I was 17 and we were taking a family vacation in Washington state the summer after graduation.Was I really angry? Annoyed? Bored? Tired? Frustrated? Amused? Dad was pointing a camera at me, that is more than enough to raise my hackles!
That forehead frown is still a daily part of my life. It’s frustrating, yet unconscious. I often show way more in my facial expressions than I intend. Starr calls me on it all the time! Usually it’s about nothing. Really. A manifestation of my headache, a stray thought, the light hurts my eyes…but I just know that people around me are wondering “what the eff’s up with her??” I am sorry. It’s not you….usually.
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Name? Kelly. Mysterious? Not really. Passionate? Yes. Lazy? Sometimes. Outgoing? Not a bit. Trusting? Mmhmm. Artistic? On good days. Crazy? Could be. Trustworthy? Absolutely. Graceful? I wish. Sarcastic? Often. Deserving? You bet. Forgiving? Yes. Religious? No. Spiritual? Yes. Uncertain? At times. Confused? Sure. Distracted? Daily. Silly? Yeah. Talkative? Not. Punctual? To a fault. Breakable? Quite.
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This is not a music blog. While it is my desire to share free and legal music here (music is a part of me), it is not my goal to critique this music.
If I have posted music, it is because I like it, and it moves me at the moment. It might match my mood, it could be on repeat, or mirror the sentiment of my post. It might be quite random, and just what I wish to share.
*Older links may not always work, as promotional MP3s, in particular, are known to disappear without warning.
Artists and labels: if I have erred and posted a song inappropriately, let me know, and I will remove it.
To download a song: on a PC, right click the link and choose "save link as"
immediately she smiles and says “awesome movie.” I was waiting for the connection to my dad, but it didn’t come immediately. She was involved in a game of Tetris on her computer…will she ever break out of level seven??
