New Resolution
I walked out of Benjamin Button late last night sobbing. It wasn’t the movie itself, but things in it that triggered me. I was grieving, again. Sunny’s loss, her family facing another painful year without her, our sorrow. I was missing her again fresh and raw.
It was probably a combination of the holidays, hormones, triggers in the movie and the fact that Sunny was already on my mind as I was considering the passing of time as we move into a new year. I can’t fix this. No matter how much I wish and pray, or how much I cry, this situation is not fixable. I feel so helpless.
You can be as mad as a dog at the ways things went, you can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.
–Tugboat captain Mike, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions as a rule. Setting myself up for failure is something that I try to avoid. I believe that life is about learning and growing, fixing, changing, laughing, and loving…all the time. I try to make it a constant effort and avoid tying it to a specific day.
However, this year, today…not tomorrow…I am going to make a more consious effort to allow myself to breathe, to live, to accept that I can’t fix this. To stop taking on everyone’s pain as my own. I have enough. It serves no purpose, it really doesn’t relieve them of any of their grief or suffering, it only adds to mine.
And to smile more and mean it!
Starr and Sunny being silly during their mission trip, summer of 2005
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[...] just reread last years End of the Year/New Resolution post. Among other things, I said: I don’t make New Year’s resolutions as a rule. Setting myself [...]