It’s not officially my table, but it has lived with me for the past 16 years and I hope that I can keep it for many more. I love this table.

I believe that this table was hand-made. It has been around for a long time.

It fits me, it fits my space and my heart.

Darn it all. We had a jar full of quarters not long ago. Quarters from the change jar that I keep. However, since Starr started taking my car to school, the jar has emptied. Completely.

Parking on campus takes either quarters or a yearly parking pass. This late in the year coupled with the fact that she doesn’t drive all the time, well we figured that using metered parking was the most economical choice. However, now that the jar is empty, I am having a little trouble refilling it.

I don’t spend as much cash as I used to, so I don’t get any change. I asked at the grocery store. I went to the bank, apparently you have to be a customer. My bank is a credit union, in another state, I do all my banking by mail. It works perfectly, except for what should be a simple matter of getting some quarters. I sent Starr to a local laundromat this morning, but it was closed, moved, vacated, gone.

I have another laundromat in mind to try and possibly the car wash? Will probably try the grocery store again. But I am wondering why this has to be so difficult. Am I missing the obvious?

Starr and I discussed it and we decided that they should have card readers for meters on campus, swipe your student ID, which you can fill with money to draw on. They already have the cards and money accounts set up, you currently can use them at the bookstore, at the food court, even at vending machines on campus. Parking should be a no brainer.

mp3:  “Ship” – Throw Me the Statue
Purpleface
Throw Me the Statue-MySpace

mp3: “Revisited Gone” – QR5
Pharmakon
QR5-MySpace

mp3: “My Maudlin Career” – Camera Obscura
My Maudlin Career
Camera Obscura-MySpace

mp3: “One” – Elizabeth Willis
Elizabeth Willis
Elizabeth Willis-MySpace

mp3: “Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh” – Say Hi
Oohs & Aahs
Say Hi-MySpace

My brother, DJ, called me yesterday afternoon and said something about the power of songs to bring you back to a time or place. Not in those exact words, but then he challenged me with “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” I think I began answering before he even finished the question….”Bill’s Pizza!”

It is funny how music can sometimes take you, in an instant,  to a place in your past. Young children, a local pizzeria, a well loved jukebox and the coins, given by mom or dad, to choose songs which invariably always  included “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” each and every visit. The smells, the grease, the family time. It is funny that this song carries the same memories for both of us.

As songs hit the radio, or my iPod, I am often confronted with memories. My high school, this party or that, spending time in my room, driving in my car, or later on, memories of past loves, then playing with Starr as a youngster. I love those connections and memories. More recently, music often takes me to Starr and Sunny together…my memories combined with their high school acivities. Our memories together.  It’s both a blessing and  a curse, I don’t ever want to forget the times we had together, but it is also so very painful to remember them. Life is never simple is it? At Bill’s Pizza it was simple, it was fun. I often wish for a day with that innocence and that simplicity again.

Are there songs that bring you back to a certain place or time? What are they? And where do they take you?

Starr is in her second year of college, and has been working on a history major with an emphasis in teaching. She wanted to be a high school teacher, because she loved school and she loved many of her teachers and wanted to be a positive influence on future students. Her additional plan was to get her masters in counseling so that she could be a high school counselor.

Starr, on the right, and her little sister, Sissy. January 2009

Starr, Sunny and Skye approached high school with the attitude that it was up to them to make the most of it. They joined, they participated, they laughed, they got to know the staff, they sang, they volunteered in the community. They achieved their goal.

Since high school, and the accident, Starr has continued to volunteer. In addition to volunteering at the local women’s shelter and starting her own non-profit in Sunny’s memory, she was recently named fundraising chair for her sorority, raising money for their chosen philanthropy.

…and with her little brother, Rocket. Same day.

Over the last few months, an idea has been growing. A change of plans. Instead of teaching, she wants to work in the non-profit field. She wants to help people. She has done some research and feels that her current major path can remain the same, and she will continue to volunteer over the next few years. Though she wants to focus more of her hours into building her experience with the administrative and fundraising functions of the charities.

If I haven’t said it before, she flippin’ rocks my socks! She isn’t perfect, but she has an amazing life view. Her choice to keep living, to keep striving for a meaningful future in the face of tragedy has constantly amazed me. It hasn’t been easy, but she is so determined and sees so clearly why she needs to do the things she does. I wish I had that ability.

I have been very busy working in my office this week. Dishes are piling up in the sink, my bed is unmade, dust is moving in. Being secluded in my office, not socializing, lost in tax return hell. I am distracted and at the moment unproductive. Trying, and failing, to gather my thoughts, looking up financial aid information, texting, checking Facebook, wondering if I have remembered everything–knowing that I haven’t, answering urgent* phone calls from Starr. I will get through it, but at the moment…GAH!

However, I did finally get a chance to watch For The Bible Tells Me So yesterday while crunching numbers. It has been on my list for quite a while. I recommend it.

From the website for the BIBLE tells me so:

FILM SYNOPSIS

Can the love between two people ever be an abomination? Is the chasm separating gays and lesbians and Christianity too wide to cross? Is the Bible an excuse to hate?

Through the experiences of five very normal, very Christian, very American families — including those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson — we discover how insightful people of faith handle the realization of having a gay child. Informed by such respected voices as Bishop Desmond Tutu, Harvard’s Peter Gomes, Orthodox Rabbi Steve Greenberg and Reverend Jimmy Creech, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO offers healing, clarity and understanding to anyone caught in the crosshairs of scripture and sexual identity.

*She ran out of shampoo…it’s an emergency!

As I started watching this video earlier today, in my mind I could hear my daughter complaining (loudly) that it was just plain wrong. The person she is, and the people she surrounds herself with do not agree with anything being said…and then…

Ahh.

mp3: “Harmless Lover’s Discourse” – Odawas
The Blue Depths
Odawas-MySpace

mp3: “Spirited” – Laura Gibson
Beats of Seasons
Laura Gibson-MySpace

mp3: “Go On, Say It” – Blind Pilot
3 Rounds and a Sound
Blind Pilot-MySpace

mp3: “Turn Cold” – Cut off Your Hands
You & I
Cut off Your Hands-MySpace

mp3: “Walls Fall Down” – Bedouin Soundclash
Street Gospels
Bedouin Soundclash-MySpace

I was watching TV the other night, alone at home, when it hit. Hitching breath, squeezing heart…tears. Pain. It was not a physical problem, but a mental one. Another intense moment of missing Sunny, of taking on the pain of her family, of fear for Starr. I have no idea what the trigger was.

Nearly everyday, sometimes more than once, I am struck hard with the loss of Sunny. I could be doing the dishes, removing laundry from the dryer, sitting at a stop light. It’s real. Sunny is gone. I am not going to wake up from this nightmare. Ever.

I miss her, I miss her laugh, her smile, her stubbornness. I loved the way she would get irrationally angry at fictional characters on TV shows. Maybe that is what set me off the other night, as I was watching one of the shows that we would occasionally watch together, and talk about regularly.

This morning, while running an errand, I drove past the tree that was planted in Sunny’s memory. I noticed that there were paper hearts tied all over it for Valentine’s Day. It was nice and sad at the same time.

I miss you, Sweetheart.

I am re-posting the PostSecret Valentine Video from last year. All I can say about our day, is that at least we didn’t have the flu. Which is what we were experiencing last year!

Actually, Starr and I went to the movies and ordered dinner in from the Corner Pub in our neighborhood. Interestingly, late last night Starr noticed an amazing number of relationship changes among her many friends on Facebook last night, sadly there were way more breakups than new relationships.

This is one of my favorite secrets from this year's Valentine's Day offerings