Slide Project: Mammaw

My mom’s mom was Mammaw, I also had a Pappaw. Remembering Mammaw, I think of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, butter cookies, crossword puzzles, chicken ‘n cornbread dressing casserole, and college basketball (she liked to watch!).  She loved to read and kept up with the news. I miss her.

This photo makes me smile. It was my high school graduation day, um, nearly 30 years ago.

Oh, and here is one from the previous year.

Most of the pictures that I’ve scanned of my Grandparents are travel shots, everyone standing in a row in front of some scene or building. Boring. I like this one a lot, dad captured her with a natural laugh.

Girl in White (Reposted)

Starr and I were reminded of this story the other day. I still don’t have a explanation, but I do know what I saw. Since it has been on my mind for the past few days I thought I would revisit my original post:

Reaching For The Clouds, originally uploaded by Jim-AR.

I saw her standing at the end of the hallway, the end that opens into the living room. It was a couple months after the accident, after Sunny’s tragic passing. I was rushing a bit, doing housework. I don’t remember if there was a reason for the rush, possibly just to be finished with the work.

I took the full bag of garbage from the kitchen and placed it in the garage. Returning to the kitchen, I realized that I had forgotten to grab a new garbage bag for the kitchen can. To the hall, turning right and taking a couple steps towards the living room before I notice that I am headed in the wrong direction. I stop short, and turn around back towards the laundry room where I keep those types of supplies. As I am turning, I look up towards the living room and there is someone standing there, female, mostly in silhouette, but I did see that her clothes were white. She was just standing there facing me, arms at her sides. I wasn’t shocked to see someone there, I didn’t think twice about it; I assumed that it was Starr.

Returning moments later to the kitchen, with garbage bag in hand, I expected to find Starr there, but the room was empty. Odd. Leaving the bag on the counter, I went looking for her. It had taken me less than 15 seconds to retrieve the bag, and I knew that I had glimpsed someone standing there. Starr was the only logical choice, as it is just the two of us who live here. As I start walking into the living room, she noisily comes up the stairs from her basement bedroom…wearing black.

I knew that there hadn’t been enough time for Starr to have gone from standing in the hall dressed in white, to coming up the stairs dressed in black in the time it took me to get a garbage bag and walk into the living room, but I had to ask it out loud anyway. “You weren’t just up here were you?”

“No, Mom. Why?” Well…and I tell her what I saw.

So, was it Sunny? This is my first thought. I don’t know. I do know that I saw someone, something. Beyond that, I just don’t know. Darkness suggested that it could be a vision of Starr’s future, the symbolism of black and white, darkness and light. A message that things will get better, that despite the overwhelming never ending sadness and uncertainty that we are currently experiencing, that there is and will be light in the future.

I haven’t seen her or anything similar since. However, Sunny and I did share a “Pappaw” dream, which I will post soon*.

Sidenote: Daisies were Sunny’s favorite flower. I always imagined that she liked the white ones, but I don’t know for sure. I saw the photo above last summer and was reminded of her.

*I Dreamt of Sunny

I Dreamt of Sunny

Late last fall I had a dream of Sunny. She has appeared in many dreams, but this one was different. It wasn’t so much the content of the dream, but the feeling that it left behind. Just like my conversation with Pappaw, I was left with a feeling that this was more than a dream.

…Sara walked beside David and again he had the feeling that though her feet were going through the motion of walking something inside her was running, skipping, something so vital and electric her small body could not quite contain it.

“Five Smooth Stones” – Ann Fairbairn

The Girl in White

Reaching For The Clouds, originally uploaded by Jim-AR.

I saw her standing at the end of the hallway, the end that opens into the living room. It was a couple months after the accident, after Sunny’s tragic passing. I was rushing a bit, doing housework. I don’t remember if there was a reason for the rush, possibly just to be finished with the work.

I took the full bag of garbage from the kitchen and placed it in the garage. Returning to the kitchen, I realized that I had forgotten to grab a new garbage bag for the kitchen can. To the hall, turning right and taking a couple steps towards the living room before I notice that I am headed in the wrong direction. I stop short, and turn around back towards the laundry room where I keep those types of supplies. As I am turning, I look up towards the living room and there is someone standing there, female, mostly in silhouette, but I did see that her clothes were white. She was just standing there facing me, arms at her sides. I wasn’t shocked to see someone there, I didn’t think twice about it; I assumed that it was Starr.

Returning moments later to the kitchen, with garbage bag in hand, I expected to find Starr there, but the room was empty. Odd. Leaving the bag on the counter, I went looking for her. It had taken me less than 15 seconds to retrieve the bag, and I knew that I had glimpsed someone standing there. Starr was the only logical choice, as it is just the two of us who live here. As I start walking into the living room, she noisily comes up the stairs from her basement bedroom…wearing black.

I knew that there hadn’t been enough time for Starr to have gone from standing in the hall dressed in white, to coming up the stairs dressed in black in the time it took me to get a garbage bag and walk into the living room, but I had to ask it out loud anyway. “You weren’t just up here were you?”

“No, Mom. Why?” Well…and I tell her what I saw.

So, was it Sunny? This is my first thought. I don’t know. I do know that I saw someone, something. Beyond that, I just don’t know. Darkness suggested that it could be a vision of Starr’s future, the symbolism of black and white, darkness and light. A message that things will get better, that despite the overwhelming never ending sadness and uncertainty that we are currently experiencing, that there is and will be light in the future.

I haven’t seen her or anything similar since. However, Sunny and I did share a “Pappaw” dream, which I will post soon.

Sidenote: Daisies were Sunny’s favorite flower. I always imagined that she liked the white ones, but I don’t know for sure. I saw the photo above last summer and was reminded of her.

It’s All About the Boots

“Here, touch this.” He said grabbing a hold of the electrified fence designed to contain his herd of Black Angus cattle. My brother and I both took a step back shaking our heads, “no thanks” we mumbled.

He had his bare hand wrapped around the wire that I knew was carrying electric current. My brother and I lived on a farm in southern Minnesota, and we had a pony as well as a couple of boarded horses who resided on our pastures. I knew what an electric fence was, and I knew from experience what it felt like to touch one.

“Touch my hand,” he prompted, holding out his free hand towards us. Stepping back another step “nuh-uh, no way” we agreed. Pappaw wasn’t usually one for playing around, at least not in our limited experience. This was unusual. He is standing there, hand offered, seemingly unaffected by the current coursing through the wire.

Suddenly, (and in the moment…brilliantly!) I had this idea to grab my brother and drag/throw him towards Pappaw’s outstretched hand. And impulsively acted on it…

ZAP!

All three of us were suddenly grounded, and the electric current surged through each of us. My intention was to let go of dear brother before he actually touched Pappaw…you know…saving myself…fail! All three of us rolling around in the grass in helpless laughter…it was the freest, the most open, completely unrestrained by shyness, moment that I remember ever sharing with Pappaw.

This is the day that I learned about insulated boots.

Pappaw

When I was in ninth grade, Pappaw passed away. Pappaw was my mom’s dad, a quiet red-headed family man. What I remember most about Pappaw was his quiet presence, and his shirt pockets always full of stuff. He was a farmer who raised Black Angus beef cattle on his property located in western Tennessee. He was very active in his local Methodist church.

We didn’t live near them, and only visited once or twice a year. Unfortunately, because we were both introverts, I never was able to develop a really close relationship with him. I enjoyed walking in the pastures with him looking at the cattle, or doing a little fishing in one of the farm ponds. It seemed like the last couple of visits we were just beginning to move beyond the quiet and get to know each other. But then he was gone, suddenly. Fifty nine years old, and he had a fatal heart attack.

About ten years later, just after Starr was born, I had a dream of Pappaw. He visited me from the other side. We spent a long time talking. We discussed life, God, religion and the afterlife. I have never been comfortable with Christianity, instead following my heart and my head studying and feeling out different avenues of spirituality. In this dream he supported my beliefs and told me that I was just fine. Just as Christianity was fine for him.

I woke up from this dream feeling truly blessed. It felt so real and so true. Was it really him? Was it just a dream? I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I know is that it felt right.