originally uploaded by caterpillars.

It was a friend’s post about laundry the other day that fueled this post.

Laundry. Never ending. Constantly being generated. A must do chore.

Despite my numerous protestations here and the number of times I have personally cursed the ever growing piles of dirty clothing. I am thankful.

With each load, warm, clean and smelling fresh, I am grateful that I still have Starr in my life. That, despite the intense pain of losing Sunny, I still have her here. I was “this close” to losing both of them that day. I cherish each phone call, text, plea for help, meal cooked, dirty dish and every article of dirty clothing that comes with her presence in my life. I even cherish the arguments and petty fights that we have. Which might just account for still being a pushover about doing her laundry while she is at school.

With each tank top, sock or pair of jeans, I am thankful. While at the same time I am pained. Deeply. I miss Sunny greatly and am crushed multiple times daily over her family’s pain and loss.

It is possible to be both grateful and broken at the same time. I wish that I didn’t have to know this fact.

Tropicana, originally uploaded by Walkinonsunshine.

I was cleaning this afternoon during a lovely thunderstorm. I’ve had a stack of books in my way ever since I brought them home from my mother’s…first part of June? I decided that it was finally time to make room on my bookshelves for these new additions instead of just getting frustrated that they were in my way.

On the bookshelf, in MY office, I found Starr’s journal/diary from a couple years ago. At first I didn’t know what it was, so I glanced through it to see and make a decision about where it belonged (I wasn’t reading it…she shares almost everything with me anyway) and this entry popped out at me:

Sunny-

I called you tonight crying cause I felt horrible about life. You made me feel better for sure, but really you just said that we will always be friends.

Instant tears. Knowing that you have a friend can often be what gets you through. So sad that always didn’t last very long on this earth.

I doubt that Starr ever showed Sunny that little note, but I have no doubt that they both knew and shared with each other just how much they were loved.


That kind of friendship is hard to find.

For the past four mornings, I have startled awake, disoriented and confused. It goes something like this:

Startled Awake. Eyes wide open.

      Consciousness? Huh?

What am I? Am I late?

      Human, you are human…and what is “late”?

Panicky…Who am I? I must be late.

      I don’t know. Oh yeah…Dragonfly, you are Dragonfly. Late is a concept I don’t understand.

Damn it, where am I? Why don’t I know where I am?

     Don’t ask me.

Do I have children? Where are they?

     You are in your room. Why do you care about children?

What? Is it morning or night?

     …I’m not sure.

What the? Why is that clock displaying nonsensical symbols instead of numbers?

      Calm down.

     You are Dragonfly. You are in your room. Starr is asleep in her room. It is morning. You are not late. Take a deep breath. Look at the clock again, see…those symbols ARE numbers. It is early, go back to sleep.

Smart ass.

Really? Do I really need to reorient myself with the universe every morning? Hope not.

…Bill Dan and His Rocks:

Bebalance on Flickr

Bebalance on YouTube

…Today’s Note from the Universe:

Actually, Dragonfly, smiling or laughing for no reason at all is one of the best reasons to smile or laugh. Because doing either, turns wheels in the unseen, rearranges players in your life, and summons reason after reason after reason.
      
Grins, The Universe
         
Wider, Dragonfly. Nice, now louder…

…Thunderstorms!

…Matt…dancing around the world

…This Song:

It’s a feel good thing.

It’s a small word, but one with a lot of energy, strength and heart.

I ran across this web site yesterday: hopeREVO.com run by Krystyn Heide:

hopeREVO began one evening when I decided to hide encouraging notes around New York City. This simple act inspired other people who heard about it to do the same in their cities. Days later, my inbox was flooded with messages from people spreading hope in their communities, after reading about it on my blog, and as it propagated through the Internet on other blogs. So, I decided to develop this website to start a hope revolution.

I hope you’ll continue to be part of our revolution as it evolves.

more love notes, originally uploaded by jenlemen.

There Is Joy Yet To Be Found, originally uploaded by cheapblueguitar.

mommas, originally uploaded by astrogirll.

and here is the corresponding flickr pool: hopeREVO

I like this idea. Maybe in the act of spreading a little hope, I can begin to find my own.

The story of the spark behind Krystyn’s idea is recounted here: Jen Lemen: Love Notes to a City

Which brought me to: Titration’s Guerrilla Art Adventure

and then this: Keri Smith: how to be a guerrilla artist

So many awesome things to do….

When you’re lost in the rain …, originally uploaded by Mark Griffith.

It has been a rough month of anniversaries, graduations, birthdays, financial troubles, illness, finals and changes in living arrangements. Nerves have been frayed. Emotions running high.

I have the windows and doors open in the house today, and a thunderstorm just moved through. I love thunderstorms: the rumbles, the lightening, the rain. It was quiet in the house, Starr was working, and for the first time in weeks, I felt a calm. The sound of the rain, the breeze coming in the windows.

Sigh.

It didn’t last nearly long enough.