Grandpa Bill’s memorial party was nice. Hundreds of people gathered in his home to celebrate his life. It was actually quite amazing and touching. Even with all of the people around, I could feel the emptiness left in the house by Bill’s absence. The last time Starr and I were there, we visited on a day when the other grandchildren were gone. We had a lovely afternoon visiting with Cora and Bill. He was lively and had lots of stories to tell. I am so glad and grateful that we were able to have that time with them.

Starr and I arrived at the same time as her siblings and (ex) step-mom, “Slice Girl”. I weaved through the crowds towards the kitchen looking for Grandma Cora assuming that Starr and Slice Girl were close behind. When I made it to my destination, I realized that I was alone in the crowd. Soon Slice Girl caught up with me and said that they had been distracted by the kangaroo in the living room.

Huh?

I had to go back and check it out. Turns out it wasn’t a kangaroo, but a wallaby, being carried around in a sling/pouch like a babe in arms. Very cute! And quite the attention hog!

After returning home, I went to a friends home to have a beer and decompress with some of my fellow moms who were also in need of a night off. As usual, it was nice to be in a safe place with trusting and knowledgeable women. While there the cutest thing happened. Our host’s four year old daughter who had been sleeping upstairs came sleepily pouting down the stairs. She was in a hurry to get to her destination…comfort. As she entered the living room, she turned to me reached up and crawled into my lap. Facing me with her head tucked in, her arms and legs wrapping around me as close as possible on my lap. I hugged her, stroked her back and soothed her for a minute. I was in heaven. Soon her mom came back from the kitchen and asked the little one what was wrong. She lifted her head and looked at her mom, then me, then her mom again. Realizing her mistake she quickly moved on to the right lap!

As her mom put her back to bed, she said “mommy, your friend looks just like you!” Since her mom is beautiful, I will take it and savor that for a while. Just as I will savor the touch and trust of a little one. It has been a while since Starr was that cuddly and I miss it! 

I told Starr this morning that I have decided that I am ready for grandkids. She informed me that I will just have to wait. Selfish.

Grandpa Bill passed this afternoon. He never woke from his coma, but was surrounded by family throughout the day giving him their love. I spoke with Starr’s dad this evening and he said that “he is in a better place, a place where he isn’t in pain anymore.”

A better place. 

Bill was in a great deal of pain for the past few months getting weaker and weaker every day and at some point death makes sense. I understand that. There is only so much you can do. I also heard that statement over and over again after the accident and Sunny’s death. I often wondered what exactly that meant for her. Is is just something you say? She was a senior in high school, laughing, healthy, had just been to prom, was looking forward to college, she had big plans for her life…how exactly was she in a better place? For her it doesn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. *Sigh* I digress. It has been a rough few weeks.
  

I didn’t get to know Bill as well as I would have liked. Life works that way sometimes, but the Bill I knew was solid, loving, quick to laugh and had a twinkle in his eye like he knew a secret about you…but would never tell. I did love him and will miss him.

We found out just recently that Grandpa Bill’s cancer has spread during treatment instead of improving. In the past two weeks his health has deteriorated rapidly. The doctors have put him in on-site hospice care. Although, his family would like for him to be home and are working hard trying to make that a reality. (I started this post yesterday, and since then have learned that he is in a coma via sedation, and while his wife remains convinced that he will be coming home soon, it just might not happen.)

My thoughts and prayers are with Grandpa Bill and Grandma Cora, as well as with Starr’s dad and the rest of the siblings and their families as they move through this emotional and difficult time.

Starr spoke with her brother and sister yesterday. Ten year old Rocket is a worrier and has questions about life and death. I thought Starr’s answers were great. Sissy, on the other hand, is fourteen and seems to be unplugging a bit from the events that surround her. Concentrating instead on how to get money so that she can go to California, land auditions and become a star.

I guess we all handle things differently. As for myself, I spent a good part of the day Friday suffering from a serious lapse in my New Years Resolution, taking on the grief and fears of Bill, of Cora and of Starr’s dad. It took Starr to talk me down…or up…and remind me of what I had so recently talked about. What I already knew.

Yesterday we found out that Starr’s paternal grandpa has bone cancer. We don’t know enough to make any guesses about what comes next, what we do know at this point is that he is sick. Quite sick.

Grandpa Bill is an imposing man, a big tall retired cop with a quiet but deep hearty voice. Despite his slightly intimidating physical presence, he is a caring and loving man. When he smiles at me, I feel that he is smiling from his heart.

It is hard to imagine him letting something like cancer get the upper hand. As if he could just give it a good stare down and cancer would cower and run. If only.

To borrow a phrase from a friend who knows all too painfully the truth in these words….Cancer Sucks!