Grandpa Bill’s memorial party was nice. Hundreds of people gathered in his home to celebrate his life. It was actually quite amazing and touching. Even with all of the people around, I could feel the emptiness left in the house by Bill’s absence. The last time Starr and I were there, we visited on a day when the other grandchildren were gone. We had a lovely afternoon visiting with Cora and Bill. He was lively and had lots of stories to tell. I am so glad and grateful that we were able to have that time with them.

Starr and I arrived at the same time as her siblings and (ex) step-mom, “Slice Girl”. I weaved through the crowds towards the kitchen looking for Grandma Cora assuming that Starr and Slice Girl were close behind. When I made it to my destination, I realized that I was alone in the crowd. Soon Slice Girl caught up with me and said that they had been distracted by the kangaroo in the living room.

Huh?

I had to go back and check it out. Turns out it wasn’t a kangaroo, but a wallaby, being carried around in a sling/pouch like a babe in arms. Very cute! And quite the attention hog!

After returning home, I went to a friends home to have a beer and decompress with some of my fellow moms who were also in need of a night off. As usual, it was nice to be in a safe place with trusting and knowledgeable women. While there the cutest thing happened. Our host’s four year old daughter who had been sleeping upstairs came sleepily pouting down the stairs. She was in a hurry to get to her destination…comfort. As she entered the living room, she turned to me reached up and crawled into my lap. Facing me with her head tucked in, her arms and legs wrapping around me as close as possible on my lap. I hugged her, stroked her back and soothed her for a minute. I was in heaven. Soon her mom came back from the kitchen and asked the little one what was wrong. She lifted her head and looked at her mom, then me, then her mom again. Realizing her mistake she quickly moved on to the right lap!

As her mom put her back to bed, she said “mommy, your friend looks just like you!” Since her mom is beautiful, I will take it and savor that for a while. Just as I will savor the touch and trust of a little one. It has been a while since Starr was that cuddly and I miss it! 

I told Starr this morning that I have decided that I am ready for grandkids. She informed me that I will just have to wait. Selfish.

Starr’s father, for reasons that only he knows and understands, was not a part of her life for the first eleven years. (This is a subject that I plan to explore more in the future.) One of the many things I tried to do as a single parent was to give Starr effective, positive role models. In my friends, in my family, in my self.

When she was about six years old, I signed her up for a Big Sister at our local Big Brothers/Big Sisters agency. She was excited about the prospect of having a big sister and was matched rather quickly. There was a long waiting list for the boys, but there were fewer girls in the system so they matched her to Jill within weeks.

Jill was sweet, young, and completely not ready to be a mentor. Jilly-Bean as Starr called her was fun for several months, but she was inconsistent, and it turns out was having an affair with her boss and ended up pregnant. Suddenly dropping Starr without a goodbye. Brokenhearted, Starr went through the matching process for a second time.

This time she was matched with Jennifer. Jennifer was a young college student, approximately Starr’s age now. I was worried that we would have a Jill part two. I was wrong. Jen and Starr quickly fell in love. They attended many of the BBBS events as well as making their own fun. They became a part of each others lives, each claiming the other as a real sister. Starr watched Jen finish college and become a high school teacher, move from her parents home and get married. She was an incredible role model. I will be forever grateful for her presence in our lives.

 

Starr and I moved away from the Phoenix area when Starr was ten, but she and Jen have remained sisters at heart. Still keeping in touch, emailing, texting, calling and visiting each other when possible.

We are blessed to have Jen in our lives, and we are big supporters of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization.

Thank you Jen! I love you.

Whoa. As if I haven’t been whining enough the past few weeks…
  

 

It is Countdown to Armageddon week on the History Channel!! Starr and I have caught enough of the programming to wonder if we have a chance. Asteroids, space energy, super volcanoes, drought, tsunami, floods, killer viruses, global warming and the coming ice age, fossil fuels and their effect on the atmosphere, the multiple predictions about 2012…it is only Tuesday and I have seen more than I wanted to!!

It’s an encouraging and uplifting start to the new year!

I think I will have a glass of wine and consider my chances of building my own self sustaining space station in the next three years….yeah, or maybe just have the wine.

We found out just recently that Grandpa Bill’s cancer has spread during treatment instead of improving. In the past two weeks his health has deteriorated rapidly. The doctors have put him in on-site hospice care. Although, his family would like for him to be home and are working hard trying to make that a reality. (I started this post yesterday, and since then have learned that he is in a coma via sedation, and while his wife remains convinced that he will be coming home soon, it just might not happen.)

My thoughts and prayers are with Grandpa Bill and Grandma Cora, as well as with Starr’s dad and the rest of the siblings and their families as they move through this emotional and difficult time.

Starr spoke with her brother and sister yesterday. Ten year old Rocket is a worrier and has questions about life and death. I thought Starr’s answers were great. Sissy, on the other hand, is fourteen and seems to be unplugging a bit from the events that surround her. Concentrating instead on how to get money so that she can go to California, land auditions and become a star.

I guess we all handle things differently. As for myself, I spent a good part of the day Friday suffering from a serious lapse in my New Years Resolution, taking on the grief and fears of Bill, of Cora and of Starr’s dad. It took Starr to talk me down…or up…and remind me of what I had so recently talked about. What I already knew.

Despite our recent trip to South Dakota, Starr and I were feeling stagnant and bored. We needed to get out of the house!

I suggested the old and reportedly haunted, pioneer graveyard that DJ and I visited a couple months ago. She had been there several times with friends in the middle of the night…the ghost stories are always draw for the teen set…but she always waited in the car. Chicken! A daytime visit was something that she has always wanted to do.

We didn’t find any ghosts, but we did spend quite a bit of time wandering around. Starr enjoyed taking pictures.

We found several pennies placed on the grave markers. Here is an example that I found in Starr’s pictures of one of the headstones. I hadn’t heard of this practice, so I looked it up. Frankly, I’m still not sure, but I did find an interesting discussion about it on a Flickr message board.

A majority of the graves are unmarked. Just a stone, a brick, or a simple cross.

Walking among these markers, it is easy to forget that each one marks the life of a loved one. Whose life may have been long or short, who may have been a baby, a child, a spouse or parent. Just like us. These thoughts lead me back to the question of why. Why? What is the meaning of it all? Life and inevitable death.

Despite these thoughts, it was a good day.

We were in South Dakota visiting family for the holidays last week. My parents, my brother and his son, Starr and I are together.

There is abundant wildlife where my folks live. Deer, antelope, wild turkeys and mountain lions. I haven’t seen a mountain lion yet, but the rest are plentiful.

My dad, DJ and I were standing in the dining room at the sliding glass door looking at the group of deer that were wandering near the house. The “conversation” went a little like this:

Dad: How many do you think are out there?

Me: Another one just came up the hill….so there are eight.

Dad: I see two on the left, one on the right. I can’t tell how many are together in the middle.

Me: There are eight deer.

DJ: I see a new one that just came over the hill. (This is the one I previously remarked on…)

Me: Yeah, there are now eight.

Dad: How many do you think are there?

Me: Eight.

DJ: I’m not sure. *starts counting…one, two…*

Me: There are eight.

Dad: They are all grouped together it’s hard to tell how many there are.

Me: Eight.

DJ: I count eight.

Dad: I think there are eight.

For the last few days, I have longed to be home. It was wonderful visiting the family, I had lots of fun, ate lots of great food, played games, was entertained by my awesome nephew, Racer. My brother is always fun, and my folks were relaxed and comfortable to be around. But I was starting to miss normal. My bed, my kitchen, my personal bathroom, alone time, privacy, loud music, my television shows. You know…home!

We made it home late this afternoon. Tired and worn. Facing the messy house that we left last week. In addition to the unpacking, the laundry, all the cleaning that I knew we had to accomplish, I found an unexpected gift in the garage fridge. Nine frozen and exploded sugary sodas! Coke, Pepsi, Sprite…coating the remaining contents and all of the walls of the refrigerator! I’ve kept pop out there for 7 1/2 years for Starr’s friends to use, in all that time, we have never had anything like this happen.

Argh!

After cleaning to the limits of my patience, I too am coated with sticky coke!

Welcome home! It’s good to be back.

Starr and I are visiting my parents today. We are having Christmas Eve tonight and Christmas tomorrow. My brother DJ and his favorite kiddo, Racer are on their way and will join us late this afternoon.

It isn’t always easy to get together on the holiday’s with ex’s, other families and distance to consider. In fact, Starr claims that this is the first time in seven years that we have been able to do it. So…we slide the day over a couple of days to accommodate? Who cares? It doesn’t matter to us!

Growing up, we often had to fit Christmas into dad’s work schedule. As an airline pilot he wasn’t always home at the right time, so instead of celebrating without him, we did it early or late so that the family could be together.

In the meantime, we cook and prep. We look forward to DJ and Racer arriving and spending time together. Take one last trip to the grocery store. Maybe play some cards. Have a glass of wine. Watch the weather, and pray that DJ and Racer stay safe on the road.

**checks the weather report**

**chews fingernails**

If you’ve followed this blog at all, you can probably guess that my wish for the holidays is love and comfort for Sunny’s family. They are in my heart and prayers every single day…hour.

Beyond that, I am going to borrow something from a holiday letter we received yesterday because it made me smile.

I hope this New Year brings only the VERY BEST for you and your family. Stay healthy! Enjoy the little things in your life; like a job, a roof over your head, food, family, the little ones that still say Look at Me Mom and Dad! Look At Me!

Holiday letter (um, book!) 2008 – R. D.

Be safe. Have fun. Love freely. 

Starr and I were flipping channels last night and landed on Fiddler on the Roof immediately she smiles and says “awesome movie.” I was waiting for the connection to my dad, but it didn’t come immediately. She was involved in a game of Tetris on her computer…will she ever break out of level seven??

Maybe it was growing up in the seventies. Maybe it was just us, but I loved (loved!) this movie growing up. Over the years, my dad would often come up behind us…or just me?…DJ?…and grab my wrists and sing this song while yanking my arms in different directions….much like Tevye. I always enjoyed it, giggling and laughing during the assault. It was a rare free moment with my dad. Seeing the movie always takes me there and makes me smile. It takes Starr there too, because he has yanked her arms in a similar fashion….repeatedly.

She almost leapt off the sofa when she remembered it. Laughing and smiling. Loving the memory. Making me smile even bigger!

Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum!