I went to a Winter Solstice party last night. It was women, wine, food, laughter and tears. A friend felt comfortable enough with me to share some of her painful secrets, which broke my heart and touched me deeply. I am grateful for her trust and friendship.

Coincidentally, another friend pointed me in the direction of this video last week:

I was in an emotional place when I watched it the first time, as I often am these days. I was reminded of my old friends, my new friends, my mother and her group of  friends that she has remained close to over the years. I was taken to the still raw pain of the accident, and the struggle that Starr’s grandmother is facing with her husbands cancer.

I am thankful for my friends and the support that they give and have given me. I hope that I can be comfort and support for them when they need it.

I was looking through more of those old slides yesterday and found this:

It was 1982. I was 17 and we were taking a family vacation in Washington state the summer after graduation.Was I really angry? Annoyed? Bored? Tired? Frustrated? Amused? Dad was pointing a camera at me, that is more than enough to raise my hackles!

That forehead frown is still a daily part of my life. It’s frustrating, yet unconscious. I often show way more in my facial expressions than I intend. Starr calls me on it all the time! Usually it’s about nothing. Really. A manifestation of my headache, a stray thought, the light hurts my eyes…but I just know that people around me are wondering “what the eff’s up with her??” I am sorry. It’s not you….usually.

I have been in this funky (depression) zone lately and yesterday I complained to Starr that I had such a huge list of things to do, but that I was having trouble seeing and navigating the steps between A and B.

The dishes need to be washed, but first the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. In order to unload the dishwasher, I need to clear room on the counter by doing some dishes. Hmm.

I needed to fax/scan/copy a document and get it to my brother in Minnesota. The document is in my hand, my scanner doesn’t work, DJ owns a fax machine, but doesn’t have a phone line to go with it (what’s so great about going all wireless again?)…so how?

The laundry needs to be switched out and clothes folded, but where? Starr has taken over the living room with her things (mess) and my bed isn’t made (did I mention the depression?), the kitchen is dirty. I am stuck.

The list for goes on, but my mind wasn’t capable of making the right connections. Feeling overwhelmed, I was getting nothing done.

Sitting on the sofa in the living room staring at nothing, Starr looked at me and said “looks like you are stuck at A point one.” Nope. I am completely A minus-ing. To be at A.1 I would have been able to start one of the tasks…at the moment I am just aware that they need to be addressed…going backwards as new things to accomplish were coming along as the day wore on.

I did figure out the fax issue. I did get the dishes caught up. I did get to the grocery store. I didn’t do laundry. I was about to finish addressing our holiday cards, when the power went off.

It was actually nice. A forced break, a break from the non-stop mind chatter that had me stuck, a break from whatever Starr was watching on TV studying for finals. Once we lit enough candles, Starr read Twilight to me…and even kept going for a while once power was restored. Lovely.

I am back at A minus this morning, but I will get through it!

They are so cute. A bunch of college students dressed as themselves in first grade! They did crafts, they played Pin the Nose on Rudolph, they took “portraits.” In preparation, Starr and I went to ARC thrift store and picked out this pink sweater and turtle neck with snowflakes on it.
   

There I was, making dinner last night, when “tragedy” struck.

My garlic press broke!! Snap. One of the handles suddenly gave up on me!

Damn.

If everything else around me wasn’t falling apart at the same time, I might just laugh, actually I did laugh…truthfully though, there are moments that I am dangerously close to losing it Money Pit style. Hopefully I will be alone when I give in to that. Please.

Immediately, I mentally moved getting myself a new garlic press ahead of buying anything for Starr for the holidays. It is just that important, I use it all the time! Sorry Starr, you like to eat though? Right?

I have this mental list of priorities. Right or wrong, sensible or not: Cable TV comes before a new blanket and sheets which I need because mine are falling apart, literally, one of these days I am going to open the dryer and there will be nothing to take out, just an extra large lint pile. Cell phones come before light bulbs. Groceries Diet Coke comes before clothes. Wine trumps all. The garlic press? I think it lands right there between wine and Diet Coke.

I don’t have dental insurance. I do have a plan of sorts that gives me a “discount” for services. I bought this plan because my dentist was a member. Since this is my life, as soon as I bought the plan my dentist decided not to be a participating doctor anymore. @!*&!! Lost between life and a lack of funding, I decided not to seek a new dentist for a while. Or maybe I just ignored the problem hoping it would go away. I liked my dentist and didn’t want a find a random new one who I wouldn’t like as much.

Walking into my old dentists office was a bit like stepping back into the 70′s. The wood paneling, the “made in wood shop/router bit” signs, I would swear that there is macrame on the wall, but it could be just an ambiance thing. He had taken over the practice of a retiring doctor, who we also saw, and things haven’t changed much atmospherically, but what I loved most was that his staff remembered us. When I called on the phone, or walked in, they knew me. They knew Starr. Of all of the businesses or doctors we’ve become acquainted with over the last seven years living this this community, they were the only ones that contacted us after the accident with their concern and prayers.

The pain caused me to rethink my “thinking.” For a few months I have been aching, a dull constant pain. It doesn’t help the headache one bit, and I kept visualizing rotting teeth, swollen gums and the big expenses associated with them…so I ignored. Smart! I know!

Finally, I decided to face the pain and find a dentist who accepted my “plan” and have him (or her. This time he was a he) check it out. He could find NOTHING wrong with my teeth! Nothing. My teeth looked good, my gums are healthy. He thinks that it is a sinus issue…hmm…medical bills? He was nice enough, but I was disappointed by the office, run like a machine. Cold and impersonal.

I was a little surprised to receive this note in the mail a couple days later. Not a reminder of my next appointment, or a bill, but a statement of friendship.
  

It’s cute, nice, and I assume a standard “box checked” for all new patients, but sadly my personal experience was otherwise and I very seriously doubt that they would remember me, ever. We’ll see.

It is officially Christmas time!!

After dinner yesterday, Starr jumped up from the table…well okay, she waddled away from the table and took a few minutes to sprawl on the floor groaning in agony…then she got up and said that I couldn’t start the dishes until she set something special up for us. Grabbing her laptop and hooking it up to the speakers she started playing her Christmas music!

It was time!

She has been really looking forward to Christmas music, but wasn’t ready until it was official. We cleaned up Thanksgiving singing along to the music and then dug out our decorations from storage and converted the house for the holidays! The tree is up and we are in the holiday groove. Fun.

Some of Starr’s friends have been seriously ga ga over the Twilight series books. Starr has been so busy that she hasn’t read any of them, but has been curious.

Well this weekend while out of town visiting a nearby college. Starr and friends went to see the recently released movie. Twice! They loved it both times. If she had stayed a third night, they would have gone again. She’s been brainwashed. Regarding the movie and actor Robert Pattinson: “He’s so gorgeous! You would love it. Mom, come watch these YouTube videos! See there he is on Ellen! So cute. He doesn’t brush his hair. Adorable.” It’s as if she reverted back to her thirteen year old self over the weekend!

I find it adorable!

Speaking of adorable, Starr and I stayed in last night and watched Bella. We really love this movie. And oh boy, that Eduardo Verástegui ….so gorgeous! Yeah. I have that thirteen year old inside me too!

I have been really absent lately, I’ve been under the weather. My cold has morphed into bronchitis and hasn’t been much fun. Blech. So this post is a little this-and-that.

Starr is home for the holiday break…although she decided to go out of town right away to visit some of her nearby high school–now college–friends who are still in classes through Tuesday, so I haven’t really seen much of her. Less than normal really. Which is good in many ways.

She has decided to quit her job at the Aveda salon, which she loved, but the commute…via me…wasn’t working and she was disengaging from her sorority experience and from college. She will now be able to work more hours at her professor’s assistant job and be more involved with school. Hopefully her grades will improve! The side effect of this is that she won’t need me to drive her back and forth anymore. Good for more reasons than are obvious and sad because I will miss her!

“No worries!” She says. “I will still have laundry on the weekends for you!”

Um, yeah, about that…..I have already started saving quarters for her! I just know that they have laundry facilities in the sorority house!

She received good news last week in that she was named Philanthropy Chair for her sorority. She is both excited and nervous about this. It is the position she wanted, but she doesn’t want to mess it up! I am sure that she will do a great job, as long as there is no laundry involved!

We have planned our Thanksgiving menu, which is the same as always. Starr is resistant to new dishes and has her favorites that she will not give up! Sometimes I wonder how her future husband and family will fit into her idea of how things work!? I think they will just have to conform!

We will be having: Grandmother and Mammaw’s chicken n’ cornbread dressing, homemade yeast rolls, mashed potatoes, Starr’s favorite Gulliver’s corn, Mammaw’s candied sweet potatoes (which are all mine, Starr won’t eat them!) apple pie and ice cream. Since it is just the two of us usually, we get to do what we want! It’s a carb-o-licious feast!

We wish that we lived closer to family, so that we could share the day with them, but we also enjoy spending the day together. Old movies, cooking, food, playing card and/or board games…a day to take a true break from “life” and just be…together.

I am thankful to have a daughter who loves me completely, who gets me, and who loves spending time with me. Thankful to have a good relationship with my brother who I love dearly, and to be Aunt to the most amazing 8 year old EVER! I am thankful for Starr’s siblings and their love. I am thankful for DJT and his friendship…I really don’t know what I would have done without it lately. My parents, for their patience and for everything that they have ever done for me.

I pray for Sunny and her family, during these emotional holidays, as well as each and every day. I send them my love and wish for continued healing. I know they miss her terribly. Which is a gross understatement, words are truly inadequate.

I am thankful to have been Sunny’s friend, to have known her, loved her and been loved by her.

We miss you!  …understatement…