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Monday Mix

 
 
 
 

From My Playlist

A friend asked me recently what my favorite song of all time was. Truth is, I just don’t know. I have many many songs that sing to my heart, or make me smile or move more than others. It truly depends on the day, the hour, my mood, current events, etc.

Quickly checking my iTunes library of songs, this is the single most played song in my collection:

“Music When the Lights Go Out” – The Libertines

However, that doesn’t account for playing music on my iPod, from different sources or especially life before iTunes. CD’s, cassette tapes, records and the radio! Or the fact that I don’t listen to music at the computer much anymore, it has been a few years. At any rate, this song is the second most played:

“What You Wish For” – Guster

Third:

Fourth:

Fifth:

“Mushaboom” – Feist

Sixth:

“Not For All the Love in the World” – The Thrills

Seventh:

“Maybe I’m Amazed (Paul McCartney and Wings Cover)” – Jem

Eighth:

“Beautiful” – Lee and LeBlanc

Ninth:

“Delicate” – Damien Rice

And lastly, the tenth most played song:

New Resolution

I walked out of Benjamin Button late last night sobbing. It wasn’t the movie itself, but things in it that triggered me. I was grieving, again. Sunny’s loss, her family facing another painful year without her, our sorrow. I was missing her again fresh and raw.
  
It was probably a combination of the holidays, hormones, triggers in the movie and the fact that Sunny was already on my mind as I was considering the passing of time as we move into a new year. I can’t fix this. No matter how much I wish and pray, or how much I cry, this situation is not fixable. I feel so helpless.

You can be as mad as a dog at the ways things went, you can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. 

–Tugboat captain Mike, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions as a rule. Setting myself up for failure is something that I try to avoid. I believe that life is about learning and growing, fixing, changing, laughing, and loving…all the time. I try to make it a constant effort and avoid tying it to a specific day.
   
However, this year, today…not tomorrow…I am going to make a more consious effort to allow myself to breathe, to live, to accept that I can’t fix this. To stop taking on everyone’s pain as my own. I have enough. It serves no purpose, it really doesn’t relieve them of any of their grief or suffering, it only adds to mine.
   
And to smile more and mean it!
  
Starr and Sunny being silly during their mission trip, summer of 2005

My Emotions Wrapped in Vines

    
“Into the Open” – Heartless Bastards

 
I discovered both of these songs via a Fingertips recommendation fall of 2006.
 

     
both are from “All This Time”, 2006

I Can’t Think

I am in a world of pain, so I thought that I would post a couple “soothing” songs to go along with my headache today, but I found these instead:

“So Says I” – The Shins

“Fearful” – Beat Radio

“Like a Lily” – Out of Clouds

“All This Time” – Heartless Bastards

I Can’t Pin Down My Mood Today

So…I spent some time looking through my music files.

“Stay” – MaryKate O’Neil

“Once You Know” – Le Reno Amps

“Put On Your Light” – Hezekiah Jones

“Electricity and Drums” – The Apparitions

“Into the Open” – Heartless Bastards

The Pain

Memories. I am not a writer, I don’t have the skills to make my words flow like I’d like, or to paint the pictures that I would like to convey. But, sometimes, I need to write, to clear my head. Once I’ve put it on paper, the thoughts are somehow released, and I can move on.

I believe it will take a lot of writing to release the pain and grief of losing Sunny. It has been over four months, and the pain and loss are still as sharp and as intense as they were the first moments.

My then seventeen year old daughter, Starr, and her very best friend, Sunny, were involved in a very serious and tragic car accident that took Sunny’s life. I have told no one the details of my experience that night. There was enough—too much—to deal with at the time, for all of us. But the images, sounds, smells and fear haunt me.

Into The Open–Heartless Bastards

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