1. Just one today. I was cleaning out my craft room this afternoon hoping to make it useful for stained glass work again soon when I found a notebook that I’d forgotten. After the accident, the students at Mayan’s high school signed banners and wrote supportive notes in this notebook. I have the banner folded up on a shelf and the notebook was with it.
I don’t remember ever reading through the notes, I suppose it was just too difficult at the time.
Despite the fact that the notes were sweet, beautiful and loving, reading through the messages was hard.
Through tears, lots of tears, I am grateful for these kids. They did make a difference.
Mayan’s last official Spring Break and she decided that she wanted to visit my parents who were spending some time in Arizona.
Since we used to live there, she has an attachment to the Phoenix area and spending time with my parents is something that she always loves to do! She was able to visit and spend time with the little girl who used to live across the street and her best friend forever, Katie as well as her Big Brothers Big Sisters sister Jen.
My mom sent me a couple pictures that I wanted to share:
Dad and Mayan
Mom and Mayan
Mayan with her "big sister" Jen
I might have another picture or two to share in the next few days.
The last time she was in Arizona was four years ago when I took her, along with Sunny and Mel, to Phoenix for Spring Break their senior year of high school. We had such a good time. I am forever grateful that we were able to spend that time together.
What I have learned, is that getting over the pain of Starr’s accident and Sunny’s loss is a very long process. Longer than I ever imagined, and I am beginning to feel that I may never actually be able to push through to the other side. However, I am not in the same place that I was last year, where I was slightly better than the year before. Slightly better is good, I will accept that and continue to work on my goals to live and breathe, to smile and learn to accept.
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions as a rule. Setting myself up for failure is something that I try to avoid. I believe that life is about learning and growing, fixing, changing, laughing, and loving…all the time. I try to make it a constant effort and avoid tying it to a specific day.
However, this year, today…not tomorrow…I am going to make a more conscious effort to allow myself to breathe, to live, to accept that I can’t fix this. To stop taking on everyone’s pain as my own. I have enough. It serves no purpose, it really doesn’t relieve them of any of their grief or suffering, it only adds to mine.
And to smile more and mean it!
Yes, Sunny is still on my mind each and every day. I miss her. I think about and send love to her family daily as well, as they still and will always carry the loss of their beautiful daughter. There are days that it catches up with me more than others, but I do think that I have moved forward in positive ways.
I do smile and laugh more and I definitely mean it!!
So, for 2010, I plan to continue…learning, growing, living, laughing, being silly, loving and healing. And I want to make more art.
Starr’s sorority had a formal this past weekend. Her date was the same young man she went to the Winter dance with her junior year of high school almost five years ago.
I don’t think that E and Starr are destined to be together, much to my dismay, but they have remained friends over the years.
Last Saturday night, seniors in college:
And February 2006, juniors in high school:
They were at Sunny’s house that day, getting ready, taking pictures and having fun:
Aren’t they cute? It seems forever ago, yet so very recent at the same time!
Several years ago, five or more, I decided that the pictures and junk that I’d collected on my refrigerator needed to go. I cleaned it all off and was happy with my clutter free fridge. Starr didn’t agree. She said that we needed pictures. That it was homey and the way it should be.
As usual, I caved and looked for a solution that would make both of us happy. I found these little magnetic plastic frames. It was funny, because the magnets just wouldn’t hold the weight of the frame to the fridge. Seriously. I hate it when things don’t work! I had to go out and find some magnetic strips and fix each and every one of those suckers.
For a while, I rotated the pictures regularly. With pictures of Starr and her friends, her siblings, my nephew…it was nice. And she was right!
In the past three years, since the accident, I have made very few changes. Sunny is still there, as is Skye, but they are all old pictures. It has been a comfort. I need to and want to make some changes. It is time.
I was reading Little Bee last night when, in the story, Sarah asks Little Bee to delete her recently deceased husband’s number from her cell phone for her because she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
I still have Sunny’s phone number in my contacts. It has been over three years. I don’t know why it’s still there. Why have I resisted deleting it? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the letting go that I am not ready to do. It stabs me in the heart just a bit every time I scroll by it. I miss her. I know that deleting the number will not diminish her memory. I will still think of her and her family a hundred times a day…yet.
I fell asleep with the resolve that I was going to delete the number when I woke up. I was going to take that step. At midnight I felt ready.
*Do any of you watch Grey’s Anatomy? Starr and Sunny drove my interest in the show as they were often here watching it together and they welcomed my presence. If they didn’t watch it together, they were always on the phone with each other immediately after each episode. It was fun to see them so animated and interested. *sigh* Anyway, Starr and I just finished watching last night’s season finale. Seriously intense! Whoa. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
*Last year I bought a basil plant and kept it in my kitchen. Starr and I have used it regularly, snipping and eating…yum. Fresh basil rocks!! The plant was starting to get seriously spindly, so a month ago I bought another plant thinking to replace the old one. I killed it within a week. I don’t know what I did. Over-water? Under-water? Look at it the wrong way??? Spoiled as we have been with the fresh basil and not willing to give it up, I purchased new plants this week and am trying again. Wish them luck in my care. They will need it.
*Just over a week from now my baby will be turning 21 years old. I keep looking at her wondering if I can lock her up somewhere and when exactly did this happen?? I miss my cuddly little sweetie but am really proud of the young woman she has become. I will probably bore you with a lengthier post on this subject next week.
It’s not my photo (credits are below), but this bright beautiful picture reminds me of Sunny. I am at a loss for words today, I can’t believe that it has been 3 years. I miss her every single day. My love and prayers are with her family who miss her even more.
Both Sunny and Starr were wearing their seat belts, as they always did, at the time of their accident. Unfortunately, Sunny’s seat belt did not prevent tragedy. Starr’s may well have saved her life.
This video has been circling around my Facebook friends this week. It is beautifully done and worthy of passing along:
An original approach to road safety advertising from the Sussex Safer Roads Partnership.
I have been missing!! Missing out on posting, reading and keeping in touch!!
I have also been okay. Ups and downs, you know, life as normal. It just seems like every time I turn around, there has just been something needing attention. Today it’s Starr’s car. The weekend it was Starr herself and our little Easter dinner.
Here is a picture that caught my eye a few days ago, Starr and Sunny, being their usual uptight, boring, stoic selves:
I miss your bright, energetic, funny, awesome presence Sunny…so much!
Name? Kelly. Mysterious? Not really. Passionate? Yes. Lazy? Sometimes. Outgoing? Not a bit. Trusting? Mmhmm. Artistic? On good days. Crazy? Could be. Trustworthy? Absolutely. Graceful? I wish. Sarcastic? Often. Deserving? You bet. Forgiving? Yes. Religious? No. Spiritual? Yes. Uncertain? At times. Confused? Sure. Distracted? Daily. Silly? Yeah. Talkative? Not. Punctual? To a fault. Breakable? Quite.
Robb Wolf's 30 Day Total Transformation is the ultimate "getting started" guide to the Paleo diet. Includes interactive information on nutrition, metabolism, exercise, a meal plan, shopping list, and more.
This is not a music blog. While it is my desire to share free and legal music here (music is a part of me), it is not my goal to critique this music.
If I have posted music, it is because I like it, and it moves me at the moment. It might match my mood, it could be on repeat, or mirror the sentiment of my post. It might be quite random, and just what I wish to share.
*Older links may not always work, as promotional MP3s, in particular, are known to disappear without warning.
Artists and labels: if I have erred and posted a song inappropriately, let me know, and I will remove it.
To download a song: on a PC, right click the link and choose "save link as"
