I had the TV tuned to the local news the other night, I was involved in another task so it was on in the background, when I heard the anchor say “a lot of things have changed in the past 45 years.” Absently I nodded, mentally picturing the early 50′s late 40′s. I looked up to see what he was going to say and across the screen in huge type was the year 1964–my birth year!!

Whoosh, it was like being punched. I should have known! I will be turning 45 late this summer, but it still felt like an abrupt, abrasive time shift. What I know to be true and how I am feeling it are two separate things! Laughing, I was shocked and surprised at my dismay. I mean I know how old I am, I don’t lie about it, but 45 years  seems like such a long time! 1964 doesn’t seem that far in the past for me!

I relayed my experience to Starr, who thankfully was also mentally taken back further than 1964 at the mention of 45 years ago!

I feel a little better now!

Unrelated, but lingering on my music-to-post list is this song off A. C. Newman’s latest release:

mp3: “There are Maybe Ten or Twelve” – A.C. Newman
Get Guilty
A.C. Newman-MySpace

When Starr was in ninth grade, she was part of the advanced choir and was trying out for choir in high school. Choir was never a part of my life, so I didn’t realize the process involved. Singing in front of a panel, being judged, rejected or placed in a choir. In our town, ninth grade is middle school and the kids are preparing to move on up to high school. Part of the end of the year festivities included solo performances for the parents by all of the students who were planning on trying out for high school choir.

Starr and Sunny, being silly Fall 2004

Okay, Starr being silly, Sunny wondering why!

The gymnasium was packed with anxious parents. Singing solo in front of an audience was new to Starr, I worried that she would sing too quietly, or forget her words. As each student stood up and sang their prepared song, there were lots of missteps; the barely heard, the just shouldn’t be singing, the ouch that hurt! There were a few incredible singers who gave me chills. As it came closer and closer to Starr’s turn, I was getting more and more nervous. Could I get up and sneak her away? We could just go out for ice cream. Pretend that this  wasn’t happening. Who needed choir anyway?

It was her turn. I held my breath. She sang beautifully, perfectly, wonderful volume. Tears welled up, whew! She did great.

On the way home, she told me about her experience and it went a little like this:

I didn’t know what song I had prepared. I didn’t know the name of it…let alone the words! How can I sing if I don’t know the words? OMG, the music is starting. What’s that? I’m singing. How can I be singing if I don’t know the song? Weird. That blond lady in the front row is smiling at me. What is she thinking? Am I funny looking? Where’s my mom? I can’t see my mom! Mom! Am I singing the right song? The blond lady just leaned over and said something to the man next to her. He’s wearing a nice sweater. I like sweaters. What did she say? He nodded. What does that mean? She’s talking about me! How can I finish the song when I don’t know the words? Why am I here? Am I still singing? Yes. Okay. The blond lady is still smiling. She is just being nice. Poor pathetic girl singing nonsense! What does my hair look like? I wonder if “Joey” likes me? What did I have for breakfast? OMG! Focus! I need to focus! Pizza. I think I’ve been up here for an hour. Can I sing for an hour? Why didn’t somebody stop me? Mom? Wait. I’ve stopped singing. I think I’m done. Smile and walk off.

She made my day! Since then she has occasionally entertained me with her mind chatter reports over the years, while  synchronized swimming, dancing or more choir stuff, but this is the one that stands out. Makes me smile every time! I wish that I could do it justice.

I am not afraid of using them, I am terrified of getting my picture taken. I can’t stand to have a camera, even casually, pointed in my direction. Starr gets so annoyed with me, and she is sad that she won’t have pictures of me when I am gone. She won’t have pictures to show her grandchildren. I understand this, but the proof is in the pictures…ugly. And no, I won’t be posting any of them here.

Even on days when I am feeling comfortable with my looks, a photograph will prove me wrong and crush me. Over the years this fear and uncomfortableness has just grown. I get physically sick over it. If someone has taken a picture without my permission, which they aren’t going to get, I worry about it, where will this photo end up? Who will be seeing it? Can I break into their home and steal it back?

Starr has been getting on my case about being “anonymous” both here and on Facebook, but since I avoid cameras and delete pictures, I didn’t have any to post. Sadly, even when I’ve tried to cooperate and go to a photographer, my pictures (and sessions) end up looking like Chandler’s in Friends:

So frustrating!

I finally picked up my camera and pointed it at myself the other day. MySpace style. I took 30 or more pictures and I found only one that I didn’t hate with every fiber of my being. It is so hard! I have added my picture to this blog, I am no longer a mystery woman. And I have posted it to Facebook, which was even scarier. I was second guessing myself repeatedly throughout the process and even after I uploaded it I considered removing it. It is still there, and Starr is proud of me for posting it.

I am still not comfortable with it, and I haven’t changed my opinion about cameras pointed in my direction. Testing me is a surefire way to lose my friendship and/or your camera! It’s a very real fear for me.

I want to post this song today. It has been languishing in my “songs to post” bookmark file for a couple weeks, basically unheard, forgotten. When I was composing (and crying through) my last post, I did a brief cruise through the list and found it. It was the only song that I listened to before deciding that I probably didn’t have any music that would be appropriate to accompany the sentiments of  that post.

In the meantime, I was captured by this song. Was it the piano? The strings? The sparse, almost not there, vocals? Was it the changes throughout the song, a little like tubing down the river and the changing experiences; the calm moments, the beauty, the rapids, the melancholy, the joy? Or could it be the rather unexpected hand claps that won me over? Who knows? I do know that I played it over and over again throughout the day and yesterday, and felt the need to share:

mp3: “San Solomon” – Balmorhea (pronounced Balm-or-ay)
Rivers Arms

And as a bonus, here is a song off their new album coming out tomorrow:

mp3: “Harm and Boon” – Balmorhea
All Is Wild All Is Silent
Balmorhea-MySpace

and an older one, also from Rivers Arms
from  SXSW’s 2008 artists list:

mp3: “Limmat” – Balmorhea

There isn’t a day that goes by that my heart isn’t breaking. That my thoughts aren’t with Sunny’s family and the daily pain that I know they are experiencing.

Sunny’s parents are angry, with Starr and with me by association. Starr was driving, but unlike so many accidents among teenagers, they weren’t messing around, they weren’t drinking, they were following the rules, she came to a complete stop at the sign. It was an accident, a terrible, horrendous, tragic accident which took Sunny’s life, and broke the hearts of so many. Despite the anger, I send them love. Every day. I hold hope in my heart that someday they will be able to repair their relationship with Starr. They were so very close. Starr called them mom and dad…and meant it. She had dreams of them being an additional set of grandparents to her children. At the moment though, this relationship is severed and repair seems out of reach.

Sunny and Starr, Summer 2006

There are many days that I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. Starr reminds me over and over again that living is my only choice, as it is hers. She is doing her best to be involved; with her volunteer work, with her college work, her job and her sorority. Resilient and smart. A girl with a plan. I admire her and am inspired by her. Daily.

I am not as tough, not as resilient, I don’t have a plan. I fall victim to my headaches, the weather, driving in the car, listening to music, watching TV, the sound of the wind in the trees, the sunlight playing on the leaves as they move in the breeze. Victim to my own mind refusing to let go, refusing to move forward. There are so many insignificant triggers that flip me emotionally, multiple times a day. And once in a while there are big ones; the tree planting, the anniversary candle lighting vigil, the 5k.

Yesterday, accidentally running into Sunny’s mom at the grocery store was a big one. She doesn’t want to see me, she doesn’t want to talk to me, she doesn’t want to acknowledge my presence. I understand that, know that my presence is painful for her. I don’t want to cause her any more pain than she is already experiencing. It is so hard. So very hard. I understand it, but it also hurts. Tremendously. Bringing up my own emotions, missing Sunny, wishing that none of us were having to travel this path. I wish that I had more power to help her, to help them. To help myself.

Will they ever truly forgive Starr? With as much love as they shared previously, I truly hope so, but as time passes, some days I have my doubts.

In the meantime, I will continue to love. And I will try to follow Starr’s lead and look towards the future.

It’s not easy.

mp3: “Follow the Sun” – Papermoons
New Tales from Team Science Records
Papermoons-MySpace

mp3: “The Sun and Earth” – Middle Distance Runner
Middle Distance Runner – EP
Middle Distance Runner-MySpace

mp3: “Always Where I Need to Be (live)” – The Kooks
Konk
The Kooks-MySpace

mp3: “Submarines of Stockholm” – A. C. Newman
Get Guilty
AC Newman-MySpace

mp3: “Kamphopo” – Radioclit
Esau Mwamwaya and Radioclit are The Very Best
Radioclit-MySpace

I went to the dollar store with Starr today. I think it’s been at least 15 years since I’ve been to the dollar store. We, for different reasons, were sleep deprived and punchy. I had a great time. Not for the bargains, I didn’t find any, but because we were laughing, joking and being silly. Some of my favorite activities! The felt shamrock headband was modeled and photographed and then immediately vetoed…”erase that picture right now!!” she demanded…and I did.

I did find this while at the dollar store. Cute, but what the heck is Hollow Milk flavored?? Looks very plastic-y and gross.

Starr was looking for inexpensive items to create  her “little” baskets with. She is a big sister to a new sorority recruit/sister and a series of welcome baskets is part of the deal. It’s a sorority thing. I was along for the ride. The dollar store, Michaels, Target. By the time we made it to Target, I was done, silliness had given in to exhaustion. I really need more than three hours of sleep a night! I am not 20 years old anymore.

In other news, the state of Oklahoma recently chose “Do You Realize?” by The Flaming Lips as its official state ‘rock’ song.

mp3: “Do You Realize” – The Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots
The Flaming Lips Website