Grunt City

It seems like every time we start to feel almost normal something is thrown at us to remind us that we are not allowed to live normal. Normal is for other people.

Sigh.

Starr’s sister’s weekend visit was nice, but uneventful. Much to my dismay, Starr didn’t take any pictures. Sad, because Sissy was complaining that no one cares about pictures of her anymore, that they take pictures of Rocket, but not of her. I think that it is a natural progression as kids get older, but I understand her feelings. I reminded Starr to take some while they were out, because I wanted some, but she forgot.

Starr woke up this morning feeling ill, but knowing that we have a lot to accomplish, we gathered together and left the house to run errands. While we were out, she was unexpectedly tossed under the bus by a man who didn’t for a moment consider the considerable weight his words and attitude carried. Crushed a-new. Her barely healing wounds opened up wide again. Back to the blanket for a few hours…if she wasn’t scheduled to work, it would be the rest of the day.

Hugs just aren’t enough.

Sunday Mix

Weathering the Storm

Grocery shopping. 

I have been avoiding this chore, but we have run out of eggs, milk, bread, frozen chicken and peanut butter. As I pulled into the parking lot of my usual grocery store, it started pouring, thick hard rain.

I decided to wait it out for a few minutes, the groceries could wait…til tomorrow if needed. I sat there listening and watching the storm for a bit before I got bored. I used my phone to check my email….none. Then I started taking pictures. 

Some Things Come at Just the Right Time

Right in the middle of my little (big ass) funk yesterday, I received a phone call. I answered the phone in tears. My neighbor Janice was calling from work with a problem. One of her co-workers had found a cat, and now this animal needed a home. This little guy appeared to have been abandoned. He was friendly and seemed young. Would I be willing to adopt him and give him a home?

Well. Darn it. We have been wanting a pet for a long time, but just couldn’t. My pastor, in our therapy sessions, suggested that getting a cat might be good for me. Between the fallout of the accident, and Starr leaving for college, having a cat around to talk to, to take care of, to love….having a warm body in the house…could be what saves me. He might have been right, but I just didn’t feel like I could commit any money towards a pet right now. Knowing what we are going through, my neighbor has been keeping her eye out for a cat for us, because she also felt that a pet might be positive therapy.

I told her that I would think about it, and went back to my funk. I mentioned the cat to Starr who of course wanted the cat. I made up all of my excuses…reasons why not…and decided against taking him in.

The phone rang again. Why don’t I come down and meet the cat before they take him to the shelter? I am a big pushover, so I went, excuses in hand. I wasn’t even sure why I agreed to go, but there I was driving to Janice’s office to say no in person. Stupid.

Damn it if the little bugger didn’t just melt in my arms, all purry and sweet. How could I say no to that? It was a trap, I knew it, but I was caught…or it was just what I needed, at exactly the right time.

Either way, we now have a third member of our little family. We haven’t settled on a name yet, but here is Monkey, or Bruiser, or Buster, could be Maverick, or Physical Phil:

My neighbors (not just Janice) just brought over a pile of cat supplies for us, and are insisting on paying for his initial vet visit, neutering and shots. Thank you all for being so generous and thoughtful.

Do I Blame Her?

As much as I have tried not to, do I carry resentment and anger towards Starr? Do I show it? Do I hold her responsible for the mess we are in? The last thing that I want is to add to her burden, but…there are many things that we are dealing with as a result of the accident. Sunny’s death. Sunny’s family’s pain. Starr’s medical bills. The boatload of community service that the judge ordered. The legal mess hanging over us.

She wasn’t doing anything wrong. The girls were buckled up, they were sober (as always), they weren’t messing around, they were just going for a drive. A drive that ended tragically.

Every day, in addition to our constant roller coaster of emotional pain, we are facing a challenge in one way or another. It’s money, or the extreme lack thereof, it’s time and how to fit work, school, therapy, charitable foundation start-up and community service into our lives. It is overwhelming.

So, do I resent her? Do I cause her more stress than she already has? I am having difficulty, because maybe there are true moments that I do. If she hadn’t pressed the gas pedal, if she had taken just another moment to look one more time….Sunny would still be here and we would be worrying about mundane things, boyfriends, roommate fights and what brand of jeans look best.

I don’t know. I don’t know how all of this can’t go back to that moment once in a while, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

What I do know is that I love her more than ever, more than I ever thought I could, she has shown incredible and inspiring strength and character, despite the rough times. She is able to keep a smile on for the public, but isn’t afraid to breakdown in the safety of my presence. But, am I safe enough? Or will my moments of doubt and frustration cause her to lose faith in me? In herself?

Tuesday Mix

A Death Cab for Cutie mix:

I am opting for music again today.

Jump. It’s Monday.

Recap of Rocket’s Visit

WWE “Professional” Wrestling! (I am not going to link to it…it is ridiculous..)

That is all.

Okay, that wasn’t all, but it would have been all if we had let him. From the moment he walked in the door it was “Divas”, “Superstars”, “John Cena”, he spent time on the web site, he watched videos on YouTube, he looked at merchandise he wanted to buy. Yikes.

Starr and Skye did take him to the drive-in for “Wall-E” and a nice long nap through “Get Smart”. The girls gave “Wall-E” a big thumbs up and a solid “meh” to “Get Smart”. Oh, look, he is wearing the same Green Day shirt he was wearing in the picture that I posted last week. Kid loves Green Day…or he did, it is hard to keep up.

We loved having him with us…WWE and all. We are looking forward to Sissy’s visit next weekend.

It is Not Just Another Friday

It is Sunny’s birthday today.

She would have been 19. We are missing her like crazy.

I didn’t know what I wanted to post today. I was going to try for something happy because of our rough week, but as soon as I opened the create-a-post window, I started to cry. About an hour later, I thought I would try again…well, damn. It wasn’t long after that Starr came home from work.

She came into my office and quietly said “Mom, I am in a bad mood.” (translation…”help me mom, I am in a bad way”) and she needed a deep hug as well as things I am incapable of giving her. Damn. I hate feeling helpless. She didn’t have the emotional strength to attend a fundraiser in Sunny’s name today, but she couldn’t hide under a blanket either. Blankets offer little to shield you from your own mind. She asked me to sit with her in the living room and watch TV. Well, okay.

We watched Paula Deen making some kind of sandwich and some meat, and Red Velvet Cupcakes. We weren’t paying much attention, but these caught Starr’s eye.

“Do we have the ingredients to make Red Velvet Cupcakes?” she looked hopeful.

“Yep.”

So we did. And I have red speckles on my countertop to prove it. I don’t know if I love them, but it was something to do, something to focus on for a while. As well as an excellent excuse to make a big bowl of Buttercream Frosting (it doesn’t matter what the recipe says…if there is frosting involved, Starr will only accept Buttercream) and lick the spoon. Repeatedly.

As I cleaned up the kitchen, she gathered herself together and wrote a heartfelt letter to Sunny’s parents. I am proud of her, I know that it is always difficult.

Some of her friends came to pick her up a short while ago to keep her occupied for the rest of the night. We will get through this day. We will continue to take them one at a time.

I don’t know if I have been entirely clear about our story all this time, (it is all too clear in my head) and I am not in a place to be able to explain the story in detail today, but Sunny wasn’t just Starr’s friend. She was her best friend…sister. My friend. Sunny was killed in a car accident just over a year ago. Starr was driving. She was injured, but not critically. We are trying to cope with the loss of Sunny as well as the incredible pain that Sunny’s parents and sister are experiencing. Coping, and not quitting. Living. Is it even possible?

It has to be.

Take a Walk

Starr and I went for an early walk this morning. It was a bit muggy, and it was overcast, but otherwise an hour (ok…50 minutes actual walking time) well spent. We walked a trail along a creek here in town, and in addition to the expected geese, and other birds, we encountered a fox and observed a deer resting nearby. Actually, it was a great way to greet the day. A chance to have some stress-free moments and breathe.

We will have to make it a point to do that more often. In fact I plan to go again, a different trail and by myself, in the morning. As one of the many hurdle days that we are facing, starting it with a walk sounds like a valid plan. Then I am planning on shopping for groceries and baking and/or cooking something for Starr’s grandparents, who we plan to visit this weekend.

Starr said that she heard that a 30 minute daily walk dramatically reduces bone loss. I knew that there are many benefits to walking, but couldn’t list them, so I looked them up. Here is the information I pulled from the AARP website: (maybe I can convince myself to walk more often)

If a daily fitness walk could be put in a pill, it would be one of the most popular prescriptions in the world. It has so many health benefits. Walking can reduce the risk of many diseases — from heart attack and stroke to hip fracture and glaucoma. These may sound like claims on a bottle of snake oil, but they’re backed by major research. Walking requires no prescription, the risk of side effects is very low, and the benefits are numerous:

Managing your weight. Combined with healthy eating, physical activity is key to any plan for long-lasting weight control. Keeping your weight within healthy limits can lower your risks of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, stroke, cancer, sleep apnea, and osteoarthritis.

Controlling your blood pressure. Physical activity strengthens the heart so it can pump more blood with less effort and with less pressure on the arteries. Staying fit is just as effective as some medications in keeping down blood pressure levels.

Decreasing your risk of heart attack. Exercise such as brisk walking for three hours a week — or just half an hour a day — is associated with a 30% to 40% lower risk of heart disease in women. (Based on the 20-year Nurses’ Health Study of 72,000 female nurses.

Boosting “good” cholesterol – the level of high-density lipoproteins (HDL). Physical activity helps reduce low-density lipoproteins (LDL or “bad” cholesterol) in the blood, which can cause plaque buildup along the artery walls — a major cause of heart attacks.

Lowering your risk of stroke. Regular, moderate exercise equivalent to brisk walking for an hour a day, five days a week, can cut the risk of stroke in half, according to a Harvard study of more than 11,000 men.

Reducing your risk of breast cancer and type 2 diabetes. The Nurses’ Health Study also links regular activity to risk reductions for both these diseases. In another study, people at high risk of diabetes cut their risk in half by combining consistent exercise like walking with lower fat intake and a 5% to 7% weight loss.

Avoiding your need for gallstone surgery. Regular walking or other physical activity lowers the risk of needing gallstone surgery by 20% to 31%, found a Harvard study of more than 60,000 women ages 40 to 65.

Protecting against hip fracture. Consistent activity diminishes the risk of hip fracture, concludes a study of more than 30,000 men and women ages 20 to 93.

The list goes on and on. Many other studies indicate a daily brisk walk also can help:

• Prevent depression, colon cancer, constipation, osteoporosis, and impotence
• Lengthen lifespan
• Lower stress levels
• Relieve arthritis and back pain
• Strengthen muscles, bones, and joints
• Improve sleep
• Elevate overall mood and sense of well-being.

Although, I see no mention of better orgasms…..hmm.